Sunday, March 27, 2005

Nothing of Interest

As the title says, nothing new of interest is going on. I just wanted to make a post so that I didn't feel like this whole thing was just another project that I let fall to the way-side. If I had a following of readers (yeah, right), I'd say this post is to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking... well, not really kicking... more like twitching.

Boredom, overwork, more boredom. That's about it. Sometimes I can't even remember when I had important things going on. I don't remember the last time I looked forward to something. I mean really looked forward to something. Meh.

So the first quarter of the year is coming to a close and I have nothing to show for it. Yeah, you can tell I'm a Corporati Drone... who the hell else refers to three months as a quarter? Sadly enough, I thing the only really accomplished things I've done so far this year is kicked ass in paintball and got my taxes done. ::Sigh:: what a whirlwind life I lead.

Not that I'm really bitching about it, mind you. Some levels of excitement I can do without. Could have a relationship on the rocks, or a death in the family or shit like that. No thanks.

Whee fun.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

And a new year begins

Whoopty-freakin-do. Anyone else sick of this 'bright new future' crap? Ok.. so maybe that was a bit too... um... cynical? Oh well.

First post of the year and I don't really have anything for it. I didn't want to start making my posts into "what's all the little meandering things that are happeneing". No one really cares, myself included.

The holidays came and went. said 'hi' to a couple of friends that I hadn't really talked to in a while. Adria, being one if them. Maybe someday I'll post The Adria Incident. I'll go right after The Annie Marie Incident. Both of which i'm not really looking forward to pouring into this space.

Long-story-short, I don't really lose a lot of sleep over not talking to Adria. Not because I'm angry with her or I hate her or anything. Hell, if anything, I still love her... much more than I should. Which is the problem. It's just too damned akward. I know, it's not fair to her, but she's not exactly beating my door down to talk to me.

Hmm... didn't really plan on going into all of that. Interesting.

On a plus side, I'm not beating myself up over Kat. Uh... the girl from the last post. I still think about the 'what-ifs', but not nearly as much as I had feared I would. One thing that worries me is that I find myself thinking of just throwing myself at a past mistake to just drown out the lonliness. I know it'd be a mistake, but my mind keeps going back to it. Damn. How long can my better judgement win out? Hopefully, my normal method of keeping my baser-self in check will still be effective. We'll see.

End if brain-oozing means end of post. It's cigarette time. Wish I had a Killians.

PS... mind the spelling. The website's checking is glitching and I'm too lazy to fuck with it now.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

All wrapped up with a nice little bow

Merry christmas. Maybe it wasn't the best day for her to send the message, but well that can't be changed. That's the least of my issues with this situation. I don’t really care if it ruined the 'mood' of the holiday. I'm not a big christmas person anyway.

Bit of a back story: I met this girl at a friend's wedding ceremony. She seemed interesting, was certainly attractive. But we didn't really talk much after that day. Well, we didn't talk at all. About a month goes by and I get a call from her. Just a "hi how are you". This was the day before Thanksgiving, if it matters. After that, we text-messaged on a daily basis. We hung out a few times. She even spent a few days at my house. Now, I knew that she wasn't interested in dating at that point. She seemed as disillusioned with love as I am. I wasn't too concerned about that. She was fun to hang out with, so I figured I'd stick around and find out what happens.

Well, apparently she's ready to date... someone else. It seems that she had a few potential boyfriends in the works (my self included, I think) and she chose on of the others. All well and fine. I texted back to her announcement of this with well-wishes and a reminder that I'm here if she ever needs me. I'm like that, I guess.

At first I was a bit depressed about it. After a morning to think about it though, I realized what my major issue with all of this is. It's simple: I hate Fate. I'm fucking sick of it. Once again, Fate introduces me to a wonderful person who may make an equally-wonderful companion through life. Then the bitch says "never mind. Not for you." This is the third time in a row over the last few years. Yeah, I'm still young and all that shit, but come on. Am I supposed to be lonely until this 'right person' comes along? Fuck that. I'm getting just a little tired of it. I was foolish, I guess, and opened myself up to hope. I was hoping that maybe she's as close to The One as I'm going to find. Let me tell you, if you haven’t already learned this: Hope is fucking evil.

I'm not mad at the girl. She has her feelings and I will not hold someone's feelings against them. Maybe I'm a little put off by the fact that she told me that she didn't want to date and lo and behold she's dating. Whatever. Maybe I saw a few things in her that caused alarm... just a bit of hypocrisy here and there. Again, whatever.

Long ago, I went through my existence behind an emotional wall for about four years. As a result, I hurt a few people that cared deeply for me. I can't help but think that shit like this is some kind of punishment for that. A lesson to show me how it feels. Karma and all that. If it's an eye-for-an-eye, then my 'sentence' should be up soon. Round about February. I'm really hoping so.

I'm, at heart, one of the 'good guys'. I care about people (that don't demonstrate as an individual that they should be removed from the gene pool) and I'm one of the life-support machines for chivalry. Someone was right somewhere, and I'm sick of finishing last. What's the point of being one of the nice guys if all you get is loneliness and heart-break? I'm not asking to be rewarded here, but every day I see some nice girl complaining about the asshole she's with. Time and time again. And I keep thinking: "things would be better with me". Well, I want to prove it, damnit! I'm sick of waiting and watching most of my friends all happy and shit.

Well, this is devolving, so I'm ending it.

One thing I can say about the situation with this girl. At least I don't have the questions and doubts. The "does she really like me"'s. So, I guess that's a nice christmas present: freedom.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Someone tell me why

Why do I do it? I've sat here, christmas eve, playing a video game, and getting so pissed off at it. I've had strings of cussing coming out of my mouth that would make a Nun die of a heart attack. And I keep going back for more. Over and over. I just get so bent out of shape on these things. If I have some kind of advantage, why do the bad guys keep winning. I know it's not my lack of skill. Hell, I've played these FPS's since Wolfenstien and Doom. Meh.

Honestly, it's not the losing that bothers me. It's the annoyance and pissyness that ensues. OK, at work, yeah I can understand a little stress-induced anger. But it's a freakin game. It's not too bad, I guess. I go out, have a smoke, take a break.

On an up-note, I've sent out some holiday greetings to people I havn't spoken to in years. Most of them were some kind of romantic (or physical) tryst from ages past. I swear... if I set myself up for some kind if drama-induced emotional binge, I'm going to punch myself. And yes, punching yourself is possible. Whether or not it's effective? Well, that I haven't figured out yet.

Hey, I never said these posts would make any logical sense.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Me Posted by Hello

The First

Whee... my first blog post. Part of me can't believe I'm actually doing this... I mean, seriously. Blogs seem so trendy nowadays and here I am "jumping on the bandwagon". Really, I just wanted a place to put stuff anonamously that I wouldn't want to put elsewhere. That and I never seem to keep my paper journal up. It's been a few years since I've written in it. So I'm sure this will fall to the wayside eventually.

On to what this is about. This blog is simply a place for me to dump my grey matter whenever I feel I need to. Anything and everything that hits my brain and needs to be put somewhere, goes here. If I enter a post and anyone wants to put comments on it, feel free. One thing that I love is intelegent conversation and debate. Now that means that I'd greatly appreciate it if people don't start the blog-equivalant of a flame-war on my posts. If you have an opinion on what I post, express it. If you disagree with any of those opinions (even mine), then say so... in a polite way. Remember, just because someone disagrees with you does not mean that they are an idiot, should be shot, or need to reamed out. Keep it polite, please.

Well, that's it for this one.